Acting happy and cheerful when really you're just plain FURIOUS inside is the worst kind of feeling in the world. It's a mixture of anger, pettiness, helplessness, and guilt. I'm angry at whatever made me mad in the first place, but also at myself for not being able to either let go of it or find a solution. I feel petty and feel like picking on everything about everyone, and don't feel like doing any favours for anyone. I feel helpless because I know there's a limit to all this, and that sooner or later I ought to stop being angry, but mostly because there's that steel cage of "happy girl" that I can't seem to bust out of. And then there's the guilt; the guilt that comes from letting out a bit of the monster seething underneath the surface to those closest to me; they usually get the brunt of my anger.
And then there are the days when those kind of people are the ones making you feel like a disaster zone inside, and those are the days that everything is intensified.
Today is just one of those days.
Stupid.

A Day Like This...

a day like this calls for cookies and and greek yogurt with tons and tons of ooey-gooey honey. greek yogurt is my substitute for ice cream. i figure, if i'm eating something to feel good, why the heck would i eat something that feels good at the moment but horrible after the last smooth, cold, creamy spoonful makes it down my throat? i can get all that from yogurt.
and today? yeah. i need some of that today. something to help me forget what's going on around me, something to help me figure out how to feel. properly. because right now everything's a muddle. a big, huge mess.
not good.
hopefully that half-container of greek yogurt'll help some.

there remains a single-digit number of days...

Am I happy? Yeah, I think so. It's not so much that I don't like it here. I do. There is so much stuff to see and learn and buy (I'm practically a shopaholic now...can't stop buying stuff!). The weather's nice and summery on the most part, Vieux Quebec is amazing, and I've figured out how to use a map and actually get to the places I want. It's just that it just isn't the same without the people and places I love, and 5 weeks of feeling like you're missing out on things at home is just too long. From the first time I heard about this program, I wished it was 3 weeks long instead of 5. Three weeks out of a summer doesn't seem like much, but add two more and...well, it seems a thousand times longer.
I think I sound so spoiled right now. Most kids would be stoked to spend 5 weeks away from parents and stuff like that. Yeah. I thought it'd be so awesome. But you know what? After a couple weeks, all you really want to do is go home, smell some good home-made food, read your favourite book, lie down in your own bed, turn out the light, and sleep for however long you want. And when you wake up, it won't be to a song that makes you cry (only way I can get up and going because it jolts me out of sleep), it won't be at 7-freaking AM on a summer day, you won't have to clean your room before going out the door, you won't have to constantly gasp and check if you have your keys with you, you won't have to wait in line for ages for breakfast while other little brats cut the line...no. You won't have to do that because you're home and it's your place, where you can do whatever the heck you want and you won't get a billet blanc. Those are bad things...get two and you either write an essay in French or go to detention where you get to do pages and pages of French worksheets in complete silence. Or you're grounded. One of those things.
Okay I gotta write more later because the library's closing even though it says they close at 7, not 6:30. I guess these people want to go home too.

A Moment in Time

This was a piece I did last year for English class. Didn't really have anything else to post this week, besides my short story, which I may post next time. That one's quite long, so it may be better to do during the long weekend!

I wrote this about a camping/conoeing trip I took last summer. It was really fun, and a new experience for me because I had never gone on an intense camping trip like this before! We moved campsites everyday, so we'd pack up our tents before breakfast, make breakfast and eat it while making lunch, and then set off in our canoes. We wouldn't land until 5 p.m. everyday. Brutal. But fun, overall. One thing I noticed was that the further you got away from the boat launch, the clearer and more beautiful the water...
Hmm. Says something about the city, doesn't it?

Anyway, this "moment" takes place on the first night of our trip, and at the campsite that was furthest away from the dock.
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